Life Struck

I am, totally, a cool kid. I sprained my foot yesterday after a dumbass attack. I was sitting in my computer chair, mind my own business, when I had a brilliant idea. I jumped out of my chair and charged the door. Unfortunately, I did not notice that my left foot was completely asleep, numb, and non-functioning. I fell back on my ass, and I pissed my foot off severely. I thought I could sleep it off, but when I woke up... I could barely walk to the bathroom. It was purple, and it looked like a troll foot - it was so swollen!  Gross.

Today, I went to the doctor, and I received a prescription for some pain killers as well as a good excuse to sit around for a week. The medicine takes the edge off of the pain, but it still hurts. Whine.

Lately (namely, tonight), I have been obsessed with Clorox Anywhere disinfectant spray. You can spray it anywhere - around kids, pets, and food even. I was tempted to spray it on my cat because he's a dirty bastard, but I refrained for fear of making him sick. It says around pets, not on them, so I'm a little weary.

I'm off to watch some TV in my lovely, loopy state!

I feel so great about myself right now... I have to brag!

I got straight A's, baby. Hell to the yes.

I am finished with my first year of college!

I had a terrible first semester. It was pathetic... I earned two B's and three F's. Yes, F's. Why? I put work over school. I would go to work instead of class. We needed the money, and I had no good way to balance. I missed exams. I slept constantly. I sabotaged myself and my grades.

This semester, I kicked it up a notch. I am not a bad student. I plan on being the best damn civil rights lawyer that Indiana has ever seen. I will know my full grades on Wednesday, but I do know what I earned in two classes. General Studies 295 was an A. English Composition was an A. That's right, bitches. TWO A GRADES SO FAR!

I am systematically retaking each of my failed classes. The initial grades will remain on my transcript, but they won't count towards my graduate GPA. Only the new grades will count - the new, better grades.

I've been tagged (twice) a while back, so I'll be doing that soon. I promise!

Okay, I need to be honest here.

I am sabotaging myself for reasons unknown. I did not attend my first 4 ENGL 106 classes because I was too tired last week from working. I also did not attend my first 2 PSY 120 classes for the same reason. I have no excuses for not forcing myself to go. In doing so I have missed the syllabus and required texts handout in both classes. I also do not know who the professor is or how to contact them. I am an idiot.

Monday is my first chance to right the wrong of missing ENGL 106. I'm going to go, then attempt to approach the professor after class with a lame excuse along the lines of either "losing my copy" or "being a late registrant" in hopes of receiving a copy. I am so worried about doing it! I've got myself all up in a bother about it, and I have been incredibly anxious.

Anxious, groggy, worried, depressed, unmotivated. I want to crawl in a hole and bury myself there for a long, long while. I am considering a trip to my doctor soon. I don't want to be social. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything other than sleep and eat. I sleep obscene amounts as is. Most of my free time is spent sleeping, eating, or escaping my own reality by immersing myself in a book of someone else's.

Lord, help me motivate and stop feeling this way.

I can't take much more of it.

I was recently inspired by a friend on a quest to blog with a photo every day for 365 days. I know I do not have the patience to take a photo and upload it every day, but I do want to try to blog every day to every other day. I think it might be nice to get my thoughts out into the open and be honest with myself. Here goes.

So, today was a fairly good day. I got my new cell phone today! It's a Samsung SCH-u740 in black from Verizon. Oh, I am so in love with my new phone! I wanted a phone with a qwerty keyboard for easy texting. Initially I had my eye on the enV, but it was $70 cheaper to get the SCH-u740. Which, honestly, I'm not sure why the price is so much cheaper... the phone I have is so much better than the enV! It's much lighter and slimmer, plus the fact that it opens and functions both vertically and horizontally is incredible. I also bought a hot pink face cover with silver stars from eBay to protect it. That should be here soon, I hope.

Ugh, this is turning out to be a crap day! I suppose it could have been much worse, but it stinks now regardless. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 6AM, and I was planning on working at 8:30AM. That fell through when I overslept hardcore. I haven't been able to leave the apartment (or shower!) since waking up as we're finally getting a new balcony door installed and the workers installing it are skeevy as fuck. :[ I'm not about to leave them alone with my precious babies! & Chris left for work early while I was asleep without telling me he was leaving... Rude.

I need to go out and pick up some things from the store, but I'm terribly unmotivated. We're due to the grocery store tonight when Chris comes home around 11PM, but it's hard to shop for girl items with him in tow. He's quite nice about letting me pick out my own food stuffs when we shop, but I know he gets impatient when I'm browsing for other things.

Currently, I'm lusting over a thin loom to make scarves on from Michaels Crafts. Linda, one of the Commissioners from work at TCOB, was knitting on one during lunch, and it was the most fabulous scarf! I made a few hats on my round looms, but they never came out very well in terms of style. I wouldn't wear them in public, to be short. She had a gorgeous faded yarn mixed with a fluffy one in pastel colors.

Oh! Also, I'm mad for Christmas to be over. Purely selfish reasoning, of course. One: it's going to be a fun time of announcements for the friends and family. Two: I'm getting a new cell phone - I've got my eye on the Verizon enV. Three: one of my dearest friends is getting married!

ETA: I can't believe I forgot my most exciting news so far! I have finished with my pledge process, and I have "crossed" over to be a soror of Lambda Phi Xi Multiculural Sorority Inc.! I am so incredibly proud of this. It was the hardest 9 weeks of my social life, but I wouldn't take it back for anything. I have made such incredible friendships and met some amazing people.

Our crossing party was so much fun! I felt so special - at least 20 people must have come to congratulate us. It was like inheriting 20 new friends all at once. I've never been hugged so much in one night. It was a great feeling but hard to describe. There was a sense of community and belonging like I've never felt before. It's like we're all tied together since we've all been through the hardships of pledging. It felt pretty much amazing.

The name given to me by my lovely Big Sister is Aster. An aster is a flower whose name comes from the Latin word "astrum", meaning star. She told me she chose that name for me because I let my light shine on the people around me. We all received flower names because our line name is Fiori - which is Italian for flower. They said we all bloomed and opened up to them throughout the pledge process. :] I think we honestly did, so it's a perfect fit!

Oh, my stars. I cannot tell you how much I am in love with my ferret, Monster.

He is the best little thing that has happened to me in so long. He is a rambunctious little turd, but he is so much fun! He's albino, so he has gorgeous eyes. & Monster loves cookies! Well, he loves to steal them. He always, always, always find my cookie packages laying around and sneaks into them. It's adorable, I tell you! He grabs a cookie and runs like the dickens with it. He never eats them. He just... collects them. He knows his name very well, too. He'll come when I call him, and he knows when he's in trouble because he'll stop whatever he's doing bad. Oh! & Monster loves to dance. Ferrets do a little "war dance" when they're happy or excited. Monster... well, he pretty much has war fits. He gets so excited that he starts jumping around, then begins, honestly throwing himself into alligator rolls. It's hilarious.

I LOVE MY MONSTER!

I think I am losing my mind. 

I know I need to start taking my Prozac Lite* again. I am finding it hard to get up in the morning. Rather, I'm finding it hard to want to get up in the morning. This is not a good feeling. I so envy people who are in love with their lives. Those that are happy when they wake up in the morning for no special reason other than the fact that they are alive. I wish I could be like this. I truly do.

The sick part is that my life isn't half bad! Damn it all, I've got a great life going for me. I can't tell you one good reason why I'm so tired of it all. Sure, I have some issues. A few are more pressing than others (read: fuck yourself Verizon - my bank account cannot handle you double charging me!), but they are ultimately trivial. I have my health, a chance at a great education, two good jobs, a loving boyfriend and mother, plus more pet loves than I need.

Why the hell am I not happy? Stupid, stupid brain. My doctor tells me that it's a chemical imbalance. Could be. I hate the fact that "everyone is depressed nowadays". Everyone thinks they're in need of medication for their bad moods. I wish that's all it was. A bad mood. I can't be happy anymore... I get sad for no reason. I am sad for no reason. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be anyone. I don't want to be here! Fuck, sometimes it feels like I'm slipping towards giving up. Some days it seems like if there was an easy out, I'd take it.

That isn't me, though! I have people who depend on me. I can't leave my mom. As much as we fight, I know she would lose it. We're all each other has right now. She's married, and I'm pre-engaged, but we are honestly the only family we have. & Chris! God knows I have put that boy through hell and high water. I can't just leave him. He's my strength right now. He sees me more than anyone since we've been living together... 

My heart hurts and my brain in tired.  What's a girl to do?

*Not the actual brand or name.

I had a good night/morning. Chris left Saturday to go to Rossville's Summer's End Festival, and he met up with two of his best friends there. He bought alcohol from one, and convinced the other to come over to our place to use said alcohol. Needless to say, I had two extremely intoxicated boys on my hands. I'm not one for alcohol, honestly. I had a sip of a long island iced tea (first drink ever!). It was kind of sour tasting... almost like a lemonade with a serious kick.

Chris was by far the most trashed of the night. I'd never seen him in such a state before, and while he was quite entertaining, I don't care to see him like that again. I think he had too much, too fast. He passed out around 1-2AM. After some food, Danny (his best) was sobered up, and I was too wired to sleep. We talked most of the night. I think we had a mutual falling asleep around 6AM. I'd never gotten much of a chance to get to know him before. I was actually quite surprised at how well we got along and how much we had in common. It was a lot of fun!

Today, Chris is moping around. He's nursing a hangover. I slept in until 2PM with a headache. I feel gross, and I wasn't even drinking! I'm also putting off my course work as long as possible. I have a paper for psych, and I have a math assignment as well. I'm mostly afraid of doing the math. It's never been my strong suit.

Dear HR at Gordon's Food,

I have an interview Tuesday at 2PM. I am extremely confident that I will be an excellent employee given the chance. I have had experience and am a fast learner. Furthermore, I really need a fucking job. You should absolutely offer me a position.

Hoping you see it my way,
Jessie

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Dear God,

Touché.

Faithfully,
Jessie

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Dear stormy weather outside my window,

All right, already! I hear you. I get it.

I'm not impressed, though. You should definitely reconsider this whole humidity thing. You see, my hair does not appreciate not being able to dry with all the moisture in the air. & I need my hair to be happy and cooperate for my interview Tuesday. It's muy importante. You're being mildy rude right now, and it is so uncool of you. Whatev!

Never loved you anyway,
Jessie

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Dear world,

I know you're out there, all big and bad. I'm not quite sure that I'm ready for you. Not much of a choice in the matter, though, hey? 18, fresh out of high school, with a rigorous schedule in front of me. I'm betting you're going to put up quite a fuss. Ready or not, here I come!

Take it easy (on me),
Jessie